Not Worth It.

People, I’m sitting here wincing every time my tongue touches the roof of my mouth, because I burned it.  Yes, the skin is gone.  All from an inferno hot corn-on-the-cob.  I know you sympathize, because we’ve all done it.  But as I sit here nursing the shredded remains of my mouth roof, I wonder why?

I mean, it’s not like we don’t know the item is hot.  We, as people, are generally observant.  We notice signs of hotness.  So much so that we must use fun little, yellow, corn-shaped corn holders.  We regard the steam rolling off the juicy kernels, the warm buttery fragrance wafting up, the heat warming our face as we bring it to our lips; all these things suggest that this food is more than lukewarm. 

And yet, we continue putting the fork/spoon/knife/spade/cob all the way into our mouths.  Why?

Maybe we’re really hungry.  I mean REALLY hungry.  Hmmm…..let’s think of an analogy of a perceived need that would make us willing to chance skin being burned off a sensitive part of our body that we use every waking moment….

I got it!  Remember what it feels like to be tired?  No, I mean REALLY tired?  So tired you are aching for your bed and are actually falling asleep with your eyes open?  Okay.  Are you, in that moment, tired enough to burn the skin off your eyelids in order to lay your weary head upon your pillow?  Of course not!!!  So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!*

Maybe we are just so excited?  It’s one of our favorite foods!  We haven’t had it in forever! And the good people at Kroger advertised that it was the First of the Season “Olathe sweet sweet corn” to quote.  And it was 10 for $2!  So I get to eat two!  Let’s see.  I am absolutely positive my personal excitement has never led to inattention of the temperature of the food placed before me.  I’m betting your excitement hasn’t either.  So I can clearly not choose the wine in front you.*

Where does that leave us…let us sum up*.

We don’t burn our mouths because:

1)  We don’t know it’s hot

2)  We are really hungry

3)  We are too interested/excited to notice the temperature

So I guess we’re just impatient.  Is that it?  Is it that simple?  We are such gluttonous impatient hogs that we won’t wait for the food to cool to a reasonable temperature?  Not even to avoid a 3-day literal pain-in-the-mouth?  That’s embarrassing.  Seriously.  I can’t even talk about it anymore.  Mostly because I need to go suck on some ice to relieve the swelling.

* movie references.  Don't know which one?  For shame. "Princess Bride".  See it and be forgiven.

What You Said To Me

(in my kitchen; me, resting my elbows on the counter, you, sitting in the armchair enjoying the coffee I made for you)

Me – What does ‘tarpaulin’ mean?

You – I don’t know.  (pause) Want me to Google it?

Me – (with furrowed brow) No. I don’t want you to “Google” it. I want a person I know to tell me because they know the answer.

You – What difference does it make as long as you find out what “tarpaulin” means?

Me – Well, I don’t like what this implies!  People in general just don’t know regular stuff anymore!  They have to “Google” it. (the word “Google” said in a taunting voice)

You – (with mock patience) I don’t think the definition of “tarpaulin” is “regular stuff”.  (off topic – you really need to work on your sarcastic attitude.  It’s kinda rude.)

Me – Well, I think day was that a “regular” person would’ve known that!

You – Well, You don’t!

(silence and a stare from me – you cheeky bugger.)

Me – (with a smug smirk) Well, that just proves my point now doesn’t it!  I’m concerned for us all!

You – Listen.  I get it, and sorta sympathize, but there is so much more we do know now!  And it’s right at our fingertips on the web.  I’m guessing you’re busting on technology in general, right?

Me – (with a skeptical look on my face, eyes narrowed, said slowly) Maybe.  Not really.  More on our ignorant reliance on it for everyday stuff.

You – Like what?

Me – (arms flung into the air as I purposely move toward my dusty array of cookbooks) Recipes for one!  Grandma’s biscuits aren’t cherished anymore…gotta look up “biscuits” online!!  But let’s be real! People just buy (disgust oozing from my voice) CANNED!

You – (interrupting my rant – also rude.) Oh brother.

Me – (kindly ignoring your rudeness and continuing) And how to do stuff!!  Like … (fumbling slightly for words)…crafts and stuff!  We can’t just … make a door decoration with a grapevine wreath, a glue gun, and silk flowers from Michael’s anymore?  NOOoooo!!  That’s not good enough!  (warming to my subject, hands on hips) We gotta look on “Pin-trest” (said with even more disgust than “Google” and a slight shake of the hips).

You – (condescending silence and slowly moving your chin to rest on your hand)

Me – (with increased confidence and volume) And that, my friend, brings us back to “tarpaulin”!  WORDS!  People don’t use great vocabulary anymore!  Because the majority of what they read is 3 word sentence texts (with an eye roll) from their vocabulary stunted friends!!!

You – (hurriedly hiding your phone under your leg after checking it for texts during my important soliloquy)

Me – (continuing) Whatever happened to using a dictionary?  Dear Daniel Webster is probably rolling over in his grave!

You – But people do use Webster’s – they just do it online.

Me – (sighing, calming down, and moving to my well-worn copy of Webster’s)  Well, I don’t like it.  What’s so wrong with keeping a real, live, thick, heavy book on the bookshelf and pulling it out as needed?

 

You – (lost in thought and beginning to gaze out of the window) Ya’ know, lots of people don’t keep many books anymore.  There are virtual copies of almost everything online… (the end of the sentence getting softer as you slowly turn your head to regard me and realize your massive blunder)

Me – Oh.     Don’t. Get. Me. Started.